silent. breathing.

My long lost

The bubbling stream is gone now dear
the desert summer took her
my memories are drying up
as the pond creeps down with water
the beaver dens have crumbled round
I never hear their playful sound
the passion from those days so old
could set a fire to the cold
now the heat is from no rain
the laughter here has turned to pain

Infinite Father
Maker of mercy
reign down
sweet breath
in me
Father Creator
master
my Savior
give life
through me
God
my Redeemer
Savior
and Healer
fill my
womb
with love
life anew
my heart
to thee

I am mother

I am mother to
the sun-goddess
who sweeps
the ocean floor
to the underbelly
of a black whale

I am mother to a single
raindrop falling
a red tent
to a three second
butterfly

I am mother to
an unwritten lullaby
I am mother to a dream
pasted onto the sleeve
of a tank-top
to a piece of ice
on the breast of a lover
I am mother to no other

You open
tiny shell
with your
sea stone eyes
pain whispers
no surprise
china man
soft hand
love away
fear again
because, I
am yours
long after
midnight tears
many moons
following years
of cracked dreams
of drowning fears
I am here

You visit
smiling song
my laugh
lines glitter
home is
home sweat
toil sweet
boy
We build
portals heat
on tears
can't destroy
fighting on
golden steel
built from
sweat tears
home is you
I am here

This weekend has been eventful to say the least and I will tell you nothing. I read my last entry for the first time since I wrote it. Man was I that loopty lu? Whoa. I am on on even road right now and haven't felt so insane for hours. Ha ha J/K. Months. All is well at the homestead. I am obsessed with making babies. I want a baby so terribly much I can smell the baby powder. I know I'm young but my biological clock said now. I heard it loud and clear. I am enjoying my vast ensemble of friends. Whom I mostly see separately. I'm better one on one. I have an interview for an incredibly boring second job which I barely even want but am trying for. For money and because you can only get your house so clean. Christmas was full of retail hours, people living with me, and spirit. I had loads of it. I was incapable of taking the tree down and will never admit what day in January it finally got out of my house. I am already planning spectacular cheer that I will start spreading this year directly after Thanksgiving. I am trying to decipher the past days events. I am full of emotion. I am left going hmmm.... I am worn. I am tried. I mailed a letter today. I don't do anything anymore that numbs me. I am left to face every feeling head on. It's rough...really really rough. Those of you who already live a med free sober existence know how I'm feeling. I'm actually feeling. My eyes are bouncing on big bags of dark joy and sorrow. I am so heavily feeling and everything is coming in so quickly my mind and body are overprocessing. If I was a computer I would be blanking a blue screen. I don't turn off. I may go on stand by. Someone reboot me. PLEASE. Tomorrow I go to funeral that I'm all cried out for. I am full of full of fullness and sad dreary truths. Sleep will come slowly and if dreams are for processing I'm in for a night.

I need to cry. Hallucinations. Nightmares. Obsessions.
My three new friends.
I have become aquainted with the absence of reality.
My need to find it is unquestionable.
123123123123123123123
567567567567
Can you count for me?
The tricky thing is..... I don't believe any of it.
I question the truth of my thoughts endlessly.
Creates another obsession......
Ha ha ha ha ha
up down up down to the side

Is crazy really an art or are we all just jaded?

Tonight has kind of withered down on me. Before I began to write I was angry. My dress reflecting red. With the first word emotion blanked out. And it's just us.



My arms look weathered, and by that I mean tan. I like it on other people(a sun-kissed glow), but to me it looks like cancer or wrinkles.



I walked today on the greenway. Theodore had two ticks on him that I just removed. One tick was dead and the other fought like hell in a glass of alcohol to stay alive.



After the walk I went to the gym. I stayed in the sauna forever; my body refusing to sweat. Nothing seems worthy of writing. This whole entry seems worthless to me.



My mood is sad angry tired angry tired of being angry sleepy too angry to sleep.



Ok adjust and-



Massive veinsoaked hands
ease my sleep and mend my lands
tears trip down heavy
If I could just come
come
come
come


Lucidity lands grateful
she wants
to visit the pen
If I could just
come
come
come


Nice girl smile pretty
She dances for pity
To visit your inn
she'll spin for a penny


This verse is all
done
done
done

I am so blah blah blah today. My shoulders ache from trying to stay in the bed for too long. I am forcing myself to go walk. I am in a huge fog. A big achy post period depression fog. This always happens. I wonder what it is about my body chemistry that causes a backwards flux. Yuck.

I never get any comments so I don't know if anyone is reading this. I don't think it really matters. Its more of the idea of having an audience than the reality.

I am watching Dharma and Greg.

Today I went hiking. It was most enjoyable. My calves are sore. I wanna be young forever. I also want my ideal bikini body.

I took a long nap. My clock is very confused.

My hair feels like straw. There are too many factors weighing on whether or not I get a haircut. I was supposed to work today but got to sleep in. It was a vicious unrestful sleep. I would have rather made money.

I am going to Jump quickly and carefully to the rising point.

There is nothing I want to do that cost a penny. Which is lucky...I haven't got a penny. But....there is no one oh so fun that they would be as easily entertained. At least they aren't in the States.

I want to go dancing and I want to go swimming. It's strange because I never ever want to do these things.

I have been getting cooky mid-afternoon. That's what we are calling it now..cooky. I bounce off the walls and cause a rucus. I pester my husband like an obsessed school girl. Its really fun.

La ti da.

Morning doesn't come easily for some people. Seems I never see it after sunrise anymore. I am unusually calm with the simpleness of life. I am pleased with it. I fall asleep happy he is mine.

Last night I dreamed my hair was long.


The tips of my fingers are aching and I regret not learning when I was surrounded by those who could teach me. My competitiveness is really just masked insecurity.

Television was for so long the pronounced enemy. My Mama taught me that. Had it been up to her we would not have owned one. Now I am a captive of its fun. It plays when I am lonely. It plays when I am bored. The noise scares the ghosts away.

I would like to be the girl who always has a book in her hand. I cannot be. I will be painting for two weeks only eating when told. My concentration is blurred on paper. My energy is high physical. And when I read

I read until the book is gone.

I would like for all of my creative energy to be genius for one art. It is spread thinly between many conquests.

I am too baffled to write about him. It isn't easy for me to read him so I can't write him. Maybe when we are 63.

Victoria is coming today. She always makes me question myself. I feel I could easily be a mother to a baby. Here is my breast. Here is my love. You are mine. I will protect you. But Mother to 9 yr old is a bit more complicated. I am just Jess- the step-mom. Less is expected.

This post will become trite if I don't stop now.

I have been trying to beautify my lj to no avail. I am archaic. May is here and I really enjoy this month. I am not posting until i am able to make this a pleasurable place to be.

I got a job. Whew hew. I so didnt want one. But I got one because my husband is stressed. Hope he's happy. Im not. I am excited about school though. I am going to go to the Art Institute. Its a twenty-one month program. Yeah. I am feeling a little blah blah blah. I have Victoria. Theodore is not gonna like having to be cooped up when Im at work. I dont want to leave him. It wont be that bad though. Once I make some money Ill be buying the groceries. Hopefully I'll have enough left over to spend on the house. I want Victoria's room finished by Feb. Thats my goal. Hopefully sooner. I want to scream. I am angry. Dont know why. Ive started getting headaches. k im dun.

So there is my new van lookin fierce. I know you all want my puppy because he is so darling. His name is Theodore. My surgery was painless. Im glad it's all over. Strangely the part of my body hurting most now is my back. The little girl holding my puppy is my new step-daughter Victoria. This journal entry is for Deb and Lauren, my temporarily foreign comrades. I miss you both so much.

Hey, its not the Eifel Tower but its one hell of a good life.

Peace to Eli, always. tear...

I got a puppy. Life is wonderful. He is so sweet and training so fast. I take him everywhere I go. I had to leave him today. Its so hard. He's at Petsmart getting a puppy bath and nails trimmed. Oh I love him.

I drove around in my new van today. Oh how I love vans. Had lunch. Picked up Victoria and Isaac. Im tired. I dont know what to do next in life. The baby took me away from me. I lost all thought of myself. Everything for the baby. Now the baby is gone so I have to learn to live again. All I think of is the house. Every drop of creative energy goes into planning for the house. There is no writing. No thinking of school. I plan to go back but I am not excited like I was before I became mother...wife. I want the firey passion back. I want to want it. I am not a machine who can go to school dispassionately and make the grade. If I dont get the craving back I wont be able to do it.